I'm Going To Love You Gone

I’ve been asking the universe for a sign, something to help me feel connected and aligned. Today all I can think about is the cyst on my face. The one so big a planet could take its place.

I have this thing for trying to make every sentence rhyme, for now I think I’ll just speak what’s on my mind.

Today I opened Instagram to see a post of a beautiful woman with acne, the first lines of her caption read “I am OVER IT’. My heart broke in the moment, knowing I have been there so many times. Who am I kidding, I am there now. Over it, heartbroken, at a loss thinking that maybe I too will have acne forever. There were over 600 comments on her post; words of encouragement, suggestions on what to remove or add, stories of others who also experience acne, people trying to sell their products. An influx of information. I wondered; did she find the words that made it all better? Did someone say the magic thing that cleared her skin in that moment?

And then I started thinking about how I started my morning, staring in the mirror at the massive, angry, painful cyst that stared right back at me. I refocused my attention to my eyes, I could see a glimmer of hope on the horizon but mostly I saw how hard I was fighting back a flood of tears. 20 years, I thought. I have been fighting acne for 20 fucking years. The battle of a lifetime if I’m concerned. I started breaking out when I was in 2nd grade – yes you read that right, I was EIGHT years old when acne hitched a ride on my face, then spread to my back, arms and chest like a weed that couldn’t be tamed. Years of trying everything under the sun turned into tears and scars that could never be undone. I picked, I popped, I burned, but mostly I cried.

Back to me standing in the mirror this morning, a few months shy of turning 29 – one giant cyst left to slay. Now, I’m going to throw in some astrology because well, it’s my love language and I believe it is relevant, for me and my story at least. I have a natal chart ruled by Saturn – my rising sign is in Capricorn (along with Uranus, Neptune, Juno, and my North Node) with a 0° Saturn in Aquarius in my 1st house. If this is gibberish to you, that’s okay. In English, it’s a lot of concentrated energy linked to the archetype and traits of Capricorn / Saturn – which both happen to be directly related to skin.

I’ve been working on connecting and developing relationships with my planetary guides for the past year. Consulting them on their given day, performing rituals in their honor, asking for advice and leaning on them when I need encouragement. As I stared, with disgust at myself in the mirror, on the verge of tears (all because of a pimple – well more than a pimple, several of them that joined forces to create one massive cyst on my face, you get the point) I heard the voice of my natal Saturn come into my mind. I normally hear the voice as a grandfather, an old and wise being whose kind of a hardass. Today was different, it was the voice of a grandmother, soft and comforting.My darling, have you tried loving your acne? I almost started laughing out loud, LOVING my acne? Are you kidding me? I started thinking of all the ways acne has ruined my life. The years of hiding, covering up painful pimples with cheap makeup, walking around with my head down because I was so ashamed of my skin, praying that something – anything would take my acne away, knowing I have tried EVERYTHING to clear it. And then it hit me like a brick, like Saturn normally does.

No, I haven’t tried loving my acne. I’ve spent my entire life hating it, fueling it with energy that keeps it rooted, festering deep in my core. This seems too easy, and yet like the answer I have been searching for. So, I spoke back to Saturn, “All I have to do is love my acne and it will go away?” “Do you believe love heals everything?” Saturn replied. I nodded, still looking at myself in the mirror. “Then yes, my darling – love with heal this too” and like the wind, Saturn left me alone in my bathroom.

So here I am, about to embark on the journey of loving acne. That feels weird to write let alone try. Yet deep in my heart, I do believe that love heals all. I believe the power and intention of our thoughts is the magic that courses through our veins. I believe that I have spent far too long hating something that has only ever been trying to get my attention. To return me back to my sovereignty and natural state of love. This is my pledge to love myself, exactly as I am. To love the acne that shows up, knowing that when it’s done teaching me the lesson it’s come to teach, I will be free from it forever. By loving myself through this process, I am already creating a path of healing, of clarity and of restoration. I believe I will have clear, beautiful skin – because I believe that love will heal the root of something that caused me to hate for too long.

I’ll share the practices I use as I travel further on the journey of loving acne. Today I simply started by saying, “I love you” to the cyst on my face and decided I wouldn’t cover it up with makeup (the only upside to this mask / COVID situation is that it hides the cyst perfectly) I spent 20 years hating acne, I have to believe that turning all that hate into love isn’t going to happen overnight. Another strong lesson from Saturn, the ruler of time. For now, I just want to say, if you have struggled with acne – you are beautiful, you are worthy and deserving, and you will have clear skin. <3

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